so i stopped last night and couldn't think of anything else intelligent to say. i am just...endlessly disturbed that i seem to be getting like this. stupid or something? just as boring and dull and thoughtless as everyone else? i mean, if i've reached my bloody mental peak at age 17, fer chrissake, then i'm through. this morning i just forgot my locker combo completely. and i knew it yesterday...today i put in my birthday but there's no 83.

yesterday i was helping emma decide her schedule for college next year and was hit by this completely unexpected wave of jealousy and regret. like, there is literally no chance of me getting into college, and i know that -- no money and no motivation. but i still think i want to LEARN all these things, and i'm worried that i was wrong in assuming that academia is not the only source of knowledge. technically, i believe myself, but there's this fucking uncertainty seizing my nerves and making me feel sick to my stomach. whatever, i don't know, i have absolutely no plans for my future except what i won't do. i just sort of assume there isn't a future cos i myself can't see one that i want. hopefully, dubya will be good for one thing in that he'll get us nuked and i will not have to be bothered by all this stupid, stupid teen angst. doubtfully. (2000)